April, 2018.
Nightmare. My lasts days have been a nightmare.
I really though things would be different and I could even enjoy a little. But we are travelling from one town to another, just after going around the whole day. So after surrounding the town, passing the whole day inside the car (in my case waiting for J. most of the time), we would spend a few more hours travelling. And travelling at night to arrive very late in the hotel and have to wake up very early next morning to go to the schools. For J. that is completely normal and he is totally used to have that kind of life, not sleeping enough, not stopping to rest or relax or do something just for him, or even eat! I never spend so many hours without eating. Five hours, six, seven, ten hours without eating anything! I even had my migraine once because of that. Not even the days which I was travelling without money, back in Morocco or Uganda, I spent that much time without food.
The only few moments when I am actually happy, it is when I am sleeping (how miserable! laugh) and when I am talking with the students. But then, that happiness it is dragged by the real fact for which I am here, for which the schools are accepting us and for which the students are so exciting and open their ears to me: I am a white person. Not because I am a English teacher, not because I am from Brazil, not because I might be intelligent, not because I have a good speech, even if those reasons come after, the first one is the color of my skin. I realized that since the beginning, even J. told me that, and I am trying to keep going, maybe thinking that in somehow I could actually help those kids with my speech. But now, I just cannot handle anymore. I am feeling used and cooperating with a system that I abominate: the ridiculous false idea of the superiority of the white people.
When I though it could not be worse, I am asked to put my coat or anything that could covered my shoulders to speak in a church. In a catholic church! What a hell? OK, lets first talk about the fact that I totally do not want go to the pray. I could agree to talk with the parents (J.’s plan to grab more students) but I do not have to watch the pray to do that. And I asked J. before if we would have to watch but of course (as usual) he would say anything that I would like to hear just to make me stay.
Unfortunately that is the true about J.: he is not a completely honest man. I am not saying that he is a bad man, no. But sometimes he lies and pretend if that is necessary to reach his goals. And he might not even do it with bad intentions but he is doing as most of the people in the planet do when they are lying: they do not think that they are lying and it is a bad thing. And I am pretty sure that he thinks that I believe in everything he says. Maybe the rest of the people here, with he is used to talking to, they actually believe, but unfortunately for him I can see very clear when is about lying.
Back that time, when the priest ask me to put my coat I did. Even in the first school where they ask J. to ask me, I did. But in the second school I refused. I said that would be better for me waiting in the car then. I did the right thing, I know. But I could have done better. I should ask to the principal – do not you think that if your are not promoting the difference then you are promoting the intolerance? If you not show and teach these kids that people in the world are different and have different cultures and no one is better than another, do not you think that they will grow up believing that just their culture is good and deserve a place in this world? What came next then? What History teach us about people who truly believed that their own culture it was the only one which deserve exist? Genocide. Intolerance leads to false idea of superiority which leads to insurrection which leads to genocide. It could be because of the religion (Inquisition); or the colour of the skin (slavery and colonization); or the origin (Nazism); or for political reasons (Benedito Mussolini and Joseph Stalin) or the height and body proportions (Rwanda Genocide in 1994). That is what I should have told her. But unfortunately because J. was in there waiting to a favor of her to speak with the students I did not. It was my bad. When and if you are the one who have the knowledge and the opportunity to tell someone the truth, the truth which can might be and make a big difference towards to change or making the first step to the change, it is your duty to do it. And I am really not trying to copy Captain America’s speech here.
Many times when he was driving during the night I couldn’t relax for one second. Because of the conditions of the road being so bad and in the speed he was driving, oh boy, I really thought we would die. Plus, again and again, I was always waiting for him, all day long, going around town during the whole day.
With all of this in my mind, I decide to tell him I would not stay as long as I had agreed before, the 19th of May, and I would not travel again. I could stay for a few more days, remaining here, doing something else that not advertisement (because I have to wait for some Workaway answers), but that is it. It is when it happened. You see, I do not know how, but I always had this power of knowing people at first sight. It is not about experimental psychology at all, no. Because it does not have to do exactly with people’s action but about how I feel about them. And with J. I had the feeling that there was something wrong behind that peaceful and calm way. And after watching The Last King of Scotland I got a little scary about how and why bad things happened and still can happen here in Africa. It is because people can completely change and pretend according their necessities. Is not only about making promises and then not keeping their words. Here, they become a completely different person, doing anything, as much cruel and illegal and atrocious as it can be, in the way to have and remain with the power.
After I present all my reasons for leaving earlier to J., I could see in his face the other side of him. That angry expression, his eyebrows and every single muscle of his face denied him. Is not a episode of Lie to me, is real life. He takes some time, probably trying to remain calm and thinking in a speech. I think he truly believe that he can convince and manipulate and persuade everyone around him. Probably because it has been working since always. So he comes with this whole speech, which has so many problems, that I will not even mentioned. Let’s just say that he basically said I should be happy and thankful for the fact that he never asked or insinuated anything related to sex. What? Yeah. And he also said he would reward me with some money in the end. Excuse me? When did I ever told you I care about that? I am sorry man, but you cannot buy me.
I want to stay a bit longer in Tanzania and hopefully to have a better experience in the country. So I am looking for another place to do a volunteer work for a few weeks.