30th of June to 1st of September, 2020.
I came back to Renata’s place. But in somehow, it seems I came actually to a completely different place. Everything is different now, and in so many ways, that sometimes I do not know what I am doing here.
At the beginning I thought my only problem would be full filling Re’s lack of affection, and having to be and going with her all the time everywhere. During my first time she was not in here so I had no idea how actually is to be around her all the time. Do not get me wrong, we got very close real fast back that time, but mainly via WhatsApp, and I really liked her, but is just that… sometimes is too much.
But too much of what?
At the beginning it was too much of work. I was all by myself with over 15 dogs all the time. Cane would help sometimes with a few duties of mine (like watering the flowers and vegetable garde, for example) but not every day. And Renata would come to help me a little bit. But also just sometimes. So it was just me walking, playing, feeding, changing the water and cleaning the kennels for 17 dogs. Of course that means that I was working much more than just five hours per day. Sometimes even nine hours. I was also coming to the neighbours place, time to time, to help Renata to look after the horses. And then to make it worse, I had no free days for two weeks. I cried a few times of anger and stress. My freedom and my peace were taken from me. Renata would call me all the time, even when she knew I was out there with the dogs. Then always sending me also messages to come to her house, for this or that reason, so I cannot even have some free hours for myself. I guess the worse part for me it was how Renata could let that happen? I came to help her as a friend, because she ask me to, but how can someone treat a friend like that? Besides, when I was writing her emails from my last Workaway, in Czech Republic, telling her about how much work I had there, almost no time for myself, always working extra hours, she totally made it look like that if I come back to her place it would be a completely different situation for me. Well, it ended up much worse.
So another volunteer came. A girl from Hungary called A.. She supposed to help me with everything else apart of looking after the dogs. It helped but I still was getting a bit frustrated, now with the absence of time for myself because I want to be nice to her and she is the type of person who needs to talk with somebody else, or do it something with somebody all the time.
A few days after her arrival, all of sudden, Renata announces that next morning another volunteer is join us: D., from Czech Republic. Knowing how the majority of Czechs are with other people, I get a little concerned.
With everything settled, I finally have my first free day. Until this date I am writing, it has been the only one I had. I have been here for one whole month now.
The dreams of having more free hours for myself are washing away basically for two reasons: leaving with two other people, in a very small place, without a private room for myself, it makes really complicated to be alone and in peace, mainly when the other two people are really needy and want to share with the word every single thought and moment of there past and possible future life; after Jinx had his surgery, being such a very active dog, edging the craziness, his scar would take for ever to hill, so all the time Renata would ask for me to come to look after him while she needs to go talk with owners, bring some new dogs or what ever. But that just got worse and worse, with her asking me to come there many times a day, at night, or even to spend the whole day here when she goes to town for personal reasons or just to spend the day at the river.
What Renata might not understand, is that I am a person who needs a daily schedule. If I do not have one I freak out, get stressed and cannot work properly, which happens to be the completely opposite of her, or every one else she knows, so I think that she cannot accept that someone is like that. Maybe she thinks that I am just making that up and she just constantly continues to do that.
I even did something that I hate which was talking with Dora about my frustration towards Renata’s behavior. But it is not going to happen again. That is one of the reasons why I am writing this chapter right now.
Everything turned out horribly. Renata became the biggest disappointment in my travels. Just showing me (again) how I was always write about “friends”: they are never for real. As much more you care for someone, worse everything gets. I change all my travel plans and came back to Croatia to help Renata. My trips could have turned out in a completely (better) direction if I had not come back again to Croatia. And in retribution to that, she betrayed me in a ridiculous way. Maybe that supposed to happen so I could see who she really was.
Our last moments together brought so much anger and hate to my heart that I cannot even imagine when all of that will pass. So much regret and remorse that do not even fit on me. And I just cannot let it go. I just keep remember all the horrible things she said, her terrible behavior towards me, always trying to heart me in some how, always changing her speech, words, excuses, just to try to hit me. I told so many people what a great person she was but I was wrong.
I left Habitat on the 1st of September, 2020 without saying good bye to her. I hope never see her again or talk to her. I will not anyway, I mean, if I ever see her again. Now she is just another person who existence I want to erase of my life.
